


can i dream for a few months more?

by sleep2thefr33zing



Category: South Park
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Background Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger, Depressed Stan Marsh, Depression, Drug Use, M/M, Nostalgia, POV Stan, Sad and Happy, kenny being everyone's favorite character, kyle being small and angry, long windings about stan's inner workings, lots of kyle and wendy comparisons, stan centric, stan is sad and in love with kyle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29767095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleep2thefr33zing/pseuds/sleep2thefr33zing
Summary: "kyle broflovski, get drunk with me on red wine" he says, dramatically, gripping on the sleeves of kyle's worn out denim jacket.kyle smiles, then giggles, and stan thinks kyle might be the best person alive. scratch that, he knows. he knows when he hears him laugh, light and easy and beautiful like him."stan marsh, you're fucking ridiculous" kyle says, and he throws the almost empty bottle over his shoulder.(or, stan unravels over the year leading up to their high school graduation, spiraling as he has to deal with everything around him changing forever)
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger, side tweek/craig
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	1. i. first day of senior year and a party at token's house

**Author's Note:**

> hiya folk.  
> in an unexpected turn of events i have been sucked back into the south park fandom for which i have not written anything since 2015 so forgive me if this sucks. if it doesn't, and it tickles your fancy, please let me know so my fragile ego will feel validated in order for me to go on writing (no pressure).   
> anyways! enjoy lovelies.

"dude, i can't believe summer is almost over and we spent most of it in your room"

stan is upside down on kyle's bed, intently watching the crappy movie that's close to its end. kyle looks up from the book he's reading. 

"yeah- we definitely wasted most of our free time and fried our brains during the process" he says, and he flicks over the page.

"dude who cares- i had an awesome time! what's better than playing video games, watching crappy movies and eating greasy food?"

kyle moves to join stan where he's lying upside down. he laughs then looks over at stan.

"next year everything will be different"

kyle is of course referring to next year, when they are both supposed to be in college and finally gone from this crappy redneck no-good town.

stan sighs even thinking about it.

he hasn't looked into a single college and he has no fucking clue what he wants to major in. kyle however, seems to have the next 10 years of his life all planned out.

he wants to get into some prestigious tech school in massachussets which is literally thousands of miles away from south park. it's a very ambitious goal for sure, but not too ambitious. kyle is definitely smart enough to get in. however, their unspoken plan had always been to go to college together. they'd never talked it through properly but it was their plan, always had been.

stan could definitely look into colleges in massachussets, ones that he had even the slightest chance of getting into. he could and he should. however, today it's still summer break and stan doesn't want to think about it.

he sits up, ponders how his senior year starts in 3 days and how, right now, kyle is still here, next to him, and he sighs.

"let's play something dude" stan says, "i wanna make the most of whatever time we have left". he says the last part of this sentence with a dramatic tone, over exaggerating and clinging to kyle's sleeve to pull him up.

"you're an idiot" kyle says and he smiles. he sits up and bumps his shoulder into stan's. "i'm gonna beat you so hard"

stan bumps back, grins, "bet"

they play video games until the space of kyle's confined room turns dark and basks in the moonlight.

when they’re done playing, they lay around for a while, not really doing anything but staring up at the ceiling, where a bunch of stuck-on glow-in-the-dark stars light up. stan had stuck them on one night at a sleepover when they were 11 years old because he'd wanted to watch the stars with kyle but his parents wouldn't let him go outside. kyle had never taken them down.

stan wonders what they mean to him. if they mean something at all. he often wonders what things mean to kyle, but can’t get himself to ask. 

after a while, kyle falls asleep. stan smiles when he notices, gently covers him with the duvet. he gets up and gathers his stuff, looking over at the small space that he's spent most of his time in and kyle, his best friend, asleep in his twin size bed in his childhood room.

he leaves without making any sound.

-

stan is barely awake. it's too early for anything, really. especially for college application talk. he just wants to go back to bed.

his mom carefully places the flyers in front of him.

"stanley- listen, i know school is starting again today and it's early but, just- just listen, okay?"

stan rubs his eyes because it's fucking 8 am and he just wants to eat breakfast or sleep or do anything but have this talk.

"all i'm asking of you is that you take a look at these, okay? and then, if you find a certain college that you're interested, we can look into them some more"

his mom looks at him with eyes that are almost begging, as if he wasn't planning on looking into colleges at all. he was. just not now, on the first fucking day of senior year, at 8 in the morning.

he nods lazily, mumbles "yeah, sure mom" while stuffing the flyers in his backpack. he knows his mom means well, she always does. at least she tries, unlike his dad.

at 8:30 sharp, kyle is at his front door, as he always is.

"dude- you look like a fucking mess" is how kyle greets him, grin on his face, and stan smiles back, pushes him playfully then pulls him to his side, arm around his shoulder.

"waking up this early should be illegal" he grumbles in response, rubbing his eyes.

they drive to school together in the old volvo that stan has shared with his mom since he got his driver’s license.

"i bet ap classes are gonna be a fucking hell this year"

stan listens to kyle ramble on and on about how his classes are going to be so hard, and he's going to have to do so much more to get into the college he wants to.

stan doesn't take any ap classes. it’s not that he’s not smart. it’s just that he doesn’t have the energy for extra homework and paying more attention in class. he already barely gets by. 

school is a blur, as it always is. stan tries to pay attention, but mostly just doodles on the corner of his notebook. he counts the minutes until lunch break when he sees all his friends again.

stan doesn't care as much for the rest of his friends as he does for kyle and kenny, but he's still excited to see all of them. 

over the years, their table had become a fusion of a lot of the separate groups they used to have in elementary school. of course there's him, kyle, kenny and cartman, even though they'd love to get rid of him, he sticks around like a dirty spot on the wall. then there's craig, who always has tweek by his side, and clyde, who's turned into a weirdly perfect hybrid between an overly emotional sensitive guy and a popular jock. token's there too, as well as jimmy, always fucking around and planning whatever’s happening on the weekend. wendy and bebe sit with them too sometimes, and kenny often brings butters too.

stan loves it, loves how his group has come to be. he hates to think this is the last year he's gonna spend with them.

when he gets to the table, kyle is already there, saving him a seat. stan smiles because kyle knows stan always wants to sit next to him.

"hey fuckers" he says, as a greeting, and craig greets him back with a middle finger and a lazy smile. the rest greet him too.

they talk about their breaks, catch up. stan has only really seen kyle and kenny, and occasionally butters, over break. really, that's all the people he cares to see. but it's nice to catch up anyways. 

clyde excitedly tells them that he's planning a party this saturday.

"you're planning it? dude, it's at my house, give me some credit" token says in a defeated manner.

"already? the year just started?" kyle exclaims. kyle never fails to show when he’s completely baffled by something, which stan likes.

"kyle, my guy, let me tell you something-" clyde starts. kyle sighs and looks like slightly horrified when clyde claps him on the shoulder in a bro-like manner. "we're seniors now! we are the primary party providers! we are now responsible for giving the most awesome parties! i wanna start early!"

stan thinks kyle must have never eyerolled this hard.

"besides- it's a party for celebrating and initiating our senior fucking year! guys! we're gonna fucking graduate this year!"

stan thinks that everything clyde says sounds like he's speaking at a pep rally, and that he’s too excited and naive for his own good. however, stan is on the football team with him and knows that the guy can be all over the place, either too excited or crying hysterically because bebe dumped him again. 

craig sighs and pats clyde's shoulder. "okay. great, dude. we'll be there" he says- in a monotone voice. when he says 'we' he's speaking for him and tweek.

stan catches kyle's eye and raises his eyebrows as if to ask 'you wanna go?'. kyle shrugs and looks at him with big eyes, returning the question.

"i'll be there too" stan says, pounding clyde's fist that he'd extended over the table.

"yeah, me too" kyle says subsequently. stan smiles because they're somewhat of a package deal, and everyone knows it.

"what are you boys talking about?" the all-familiar voice of wendy testaburger chimes. she squeezes in on the bench next to stan, puts down her lunch plate and kisses his cheek. bebe does the same at the other side of the table, but to clyde. stan turns his head and forces a smile. "hey baby" he says and he hates the way it sounds in his mouth.

he's barely seen wendy all of summer break, always telling her he was busy, which was just code for 'i want to spend the whole day in kyle's room playing dumb video games and laughing'. 

wendy, for stan, was just a familiarity. they were together because everyone expected them to be. they had been on and off since fucking primary school and it was just the way it had always been. besides, it was somewhat required of football players to have a girlfriend. so wendy was just there, until she had enough of stan and inevitably broke up with him again, only to get back together over the next week. 

stan wonders sometimes, why wendy puts herself through all this shit. because she must know, must feel that stan is not in love like he once used to be. he feels bad for her because she deserves so much more. she’s smart and wonderful, like kyle. she cares about her future, cares about the people around her. stan is so wrong for her yet they fall back into the same patterns every time, and she comes back to him after he treats her terribly. he wonders if maybe, it’s all just convenient for her too. 

"clyde is throwing a lame party" cartman supplies, and clyde hits his shoulder. 

"ow, fuck! that hurts clyde! you think that's fucking funny?"

clyde snorts and bebe looks at him proudly.

"yeah- party at token's house! please tell everyone you know!"

-

and so stan ends up walking to token's house, which is in the better part of town, with kyle by his side. he's already tipsy because he brought a bottle of red wine that he stole from his dad's large collection of alcohol for on the way. he thinks his dad probably won’t notice, will be too out of his fucking brain to. he's drinking it alone, since kyle is a sensible person who only ever gets tipsy and never actually gets drunk.

"dude- wasn't that bottle supposed to be your gift? you're like halfway through" says kyle as he tugs on stan's sleeve to keep him from walking on the middle of the street, which stan always really wants to do when he's drunk for some reason.

he's not drunk though- not yet, but he will be soon, and he feels the feeling creep up to him. 

"these fuckers aren't gonna get a gift if they plan on having a gazillion parties this year. i’m broke as fuck. i can't afford it"

kyle rolls his eyes and takes the bottle from stan's grip. "you stole this from your dad, you idiot. you didn't buy anything" he says, and he takes a swig which makes stan laugh. he stops in the middle of their track.

"kyle broflovski, get drunk with me on red wine" he says, dramatically, gripping on the sleeves of kyle's worn out denim jacket.

kyle smiles, then giggles, and stan thinks kyle might be the best person alive. scratch that, he knows. he knows when he hears him laugh, light and easy and beautiful like him. 

"stan marsh, you're fucking ridiculous" kyle says, and he throws the almost empty bottle over his shoulder.

"dude! i could have drank the last of that" stan exclaims as he looks at the bottle that lies broken on the side of the road. he wants to pick it up, grab at its pieces, hands turning red. 

kyle just laughs again and it sounds like the fucking sky is opening, or something. stan doesn’t really know anymore, his brain beginning to get fuzzy. 

when they arrive at the party, token lets them in. "come in guys- drinks are in the kitchen, you know the drill"

they do know the drill. they’ve been to countless of these parties, always thrown by token or clyde because they can afford to. stan doesn’t quite look forward to having more of them, but he doesn’t mind them either. it’s an excuse to drink, to think a little bit less, maybe. 

the living room is buzzing with life. almost everyone from their senior year is there. clyde is up on the kitchen table singing along to a post malone song.

"dude- clyde is already fucked" stan mumbles “how much you wanna bet that he’s gonna cry when bebe doesn’t pay enough attention to him?” but kyle doesn't listen, pushing himself and stan along with him through the crowd, to find a place to sit. they end up on the couch, pressed up against each other. before stan knows it, kenny is in front of them, always managing to find them. 

"hey babes- what's hanging?" kenny says, taking a seat on the ottoman so he's sitting across from them. he pulls his feet up and puts them on the couch. "get your disgusting feet away" kyle mumbles. kenny wiggles his toes at him. stan pushes his feet off the couch, then grins at kenny. 

"we're good ken- what about you? wanna get drunk together?" 

kenny laughs, lightly and carelessly.

"what the fuck do you think, stanley? i'm not gonna turn down free booze, i'd be fucking crazy to"

kyle is next to stan still, close, rolling his eyes at him, then tightening his grip on stan's sleeve that'd been holding all this time. 

"take it easy, stan" he whispers, leaning closer so only stan can hear him.

stan is dazed by the proximity of kyle; he can feel one of his curls touching him. “yeah- yeah okay” he answers, in a daze. he takes a sip from his cup and swallows down. 

about two hours later, stan is drunk, floating, and he feels good. he’s gotten up to dance a few times, being dragged along by clyde or kenny, but he’s ended up on the couch again. kyle is still there, because he doesn’t like to dance. stan kind of wishes he would dance with him, just once. he thinks he would like to see kyle lose himself a little bit. 

wendy has joined them by now, and she’s having a passionate discussion with kyle about how the government should fund female sanitation products. kyle talks with his hands and stan thinks it’s fascinating to watch him talk about something he cares about. that’s what he likes about kyle, and wendy, that they care so much. 

stan is quiet for a while, and he feels himself lift off the ground a little bit. 

he watches himself sit on the couch, watching himself watching these two people that he loves but in all the wrong ways. 

“stan, you okay?” wendy chimes, and it sounds far away. 

stan shakes himself out of it and nods, laughs. “i feel great babe” he says, and wendy smiles. 

kyle looks at him with concern, raising his eyebrows, and stan smiles sincerely, in affirmation. kyle reaches out secretly, squeezes his hand once. 

kenny walks up to them and falls onto stan’s lap. 

“wendy, can i steal your lover for a while?” he asks, slurring, and wendy laughs and shrugs. “can i really stop you?” she asks and kenny takes her hand and kisses it, then shoots a grin. “i’m glad you know me so well, wendy darling” he says and he drags stan up to stand. while getting dragged away, stan sees kyle’s eyes follow him through the crowd. 

suddenly stan’s in token’s garden, and kenny’s grabbing him by the shoulders. 

“dude- are you there?” he slurs, and stan snaps out of it. “zoned out. sorry” he says, then “what are we doing here?”. kenny grins toothily and takes out a rolled joint from the pocket of his parka coat. “we are smoking this together” he states matter of factly. stan blinks a few times then nods. “right- okay” he says and they sit down on the porch steps. 

stan is high out of his mind and laughing. something is funny but he can’t remember. kenny is leaning forward, holding his stomach. “fuck man” he says through laughter and stan rubs his temples. 

“what- what time is it dude? do you know?” he says, with slight panic. he managed to suddenly remember that he is supposed to go home with kyle. “it’s- fuck, it’s already three” kenny hiccups. stan groans, “fuck- i need to find kyle”. 

kenny scoffs and laughs. “you think gingercake is still here?”. stan pushes him lightly. “we are- we are supposed to go home together” he slurs, losing his balance a little bit. 

“god- you- you guys are really gay” kenny laughs. “you could have wendy ride your dick but instead you want sweet little kyle in your bed”. 

stan pushes him harder. “don’t talk about wendy like that” he mumbles. he stands up, ignoring the rest of kenny’s comments. 

“i’m gonna go inside dude. thanks for the weed- i’ll see you” he says and kenny blows him a kiss. “no problem babe, tell kyle i said bye”. 

stan stumbles around the house that’s starting to empty out. things are spinning a little bit, and he sees clyde walk up to him. 

“stan- dude, you good?” he chimes, and stan notes in the back of his mind that clyde looks fine, like he hasn’t cried. kyle should have taken him up on his bet. 

“where- do you know where kyle is?” stan says, trying to keep his words straight. clyde frowns. “i think i talked to him like 20 minutes ago- he was with tweek and craig in the kitchen”. stan walks away without saying anything. 

in the kitchen, kyle is leaning on the counter, talking to craig with a serious expression worn on his face. stan walks up to him and grabs his shoulder. “kyle” he says, exasperatedly, and kyle’s eyes take him in. 

“what’s up dude?” he says, worried tone setting in. 

“can we go home?” stan says, voice soft and quiet, only for kyle to hear. he suddenly just wants to leave, get away from the bodies and the neon lights and the smell of sour tasting mixed drinks. 

“yeah- yeah let’s go” kyle says, and they move. 

the world blurs and comes back to stan when they’re outside. it’s cold and damp, fall setting in. kyle’s bony fingers are around his wrist, tugging him along.

when they get to stan’s house, kyle opens the door with the key that’s shoved under the doormat for emergencies, too impatient to wait for stan’s drunk hands to get his keys out. quietly, they sneak up the stairs and into stan’s room, which is dark and small- only the moonlight creeping through the window. stan falls down on the bed. 

“stan- take off your jeans” kyle says quietly but sternly, and stan groans but does so, with much struggle and effort. “fucking hell” he sighs, as he finally kicks them off. he lies face down and pushes into the pillow, trying to drown out the ringing in his ears. 

“stan” kyle sounds out, so sweetly. stan rolls over and looks at him. he’s leaning on his elbows, looking at stan with a frown. in the dark, stan can’t make out the colors of him, and it makes him feel inexplicably sad. 

“you didn’t say bye to wendy” kyle says, and he sounds like he really wants to say something else. stan doesn’t know how to answer, because what can he say? how can he explain going home with his best friend and forgetting to even acknowledge his girlfriend? he doesn’t know the answer himself, doesn’t want to know. 

kyle touches his wrist again, like he does when he wants to anchor stan, keep him tethered to earth. “did you smoke? are you good? stan- i- i’m worried for you sometimes” he says as if it’s a confession. stan bites down and blinks a few times. “i- yeah. i smoked- i think it wore off though” he whispers. kyle is disappointed in him, and he knows it.

they’re quiet again, the dark swallowing them whole. 

“stan- can you- will promise me something?”. stan closes his eyes and breathes. “yeah?” he answers, because anything kyle wants from him, he’ll give him. 

“i know you don’t care about school and it’s easier to hide and forget but i want you to try. i want us to go to college together. it’s something i’ve always thought about, and i know you have too. just- just try stan. for me. can you promise me?” 

stan thinks about kyle’s words, about hiding and forgetting. he thinks that he really can’t promise him, he can’t because he isn’t sure if he can make his word come true. but he can’t look at kyle and deny him. he can’t, and he doesn’t want to because he wants kyle to think that he’s good, still, and that he can be. so he swallows and nods. 

“yeah- yeah i promise dude”. 

he can’t get to sleep until a long time, and he listens to kyle’s breathing until he falls away. 


	2. ii. dreams and breakups

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii, another chapter because writing this helps me get out some feelings and thoughts and its fun ig

“so stanley- have you looked into colleges yet? application deadlines are sooner than you realize, m’okay” mr. mackey says without meeting stan’s eyes. 

stan knew that this would be the stupid reason that he would be called in the counselor office at 9 am on a monday for. he feels annoyed because it’s only been a month since school started. and yes- sats are coming up, he knows that, but he’s kind of prepared. he doesn’t have to think about college the entire time, and it annoys him that people expect him to. 

“i’ve looked into some, i guess” stan lies, and mackey nods. 

“m’okay now, can you tell me which ones you like? because i’m thinking maybe we can set up a weekly appointment and figure it out together” 

stan sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. 

“i don’t think that’s necessary mr. mackey” he says politely, not trying to let his annoyance show. 

“right but-” 

“i have to get to class” stan cuts his guidance counselor off. 

“i wrote them a note, stanley, m’kay. so we would have time to talk. truthfully, i am worried for you, and so are a couple of the other teachers. you’re not really showing a lot of interest towards colleges and we want to help you in your choice. that’s really all, stanley. it would be good for you to accept some help, m’kay?” 

stan sighs again. he knows everyone means well, but he can’t really see it. 

“sure, okay yeah” 

mackey smiles at that, small and careful. “perfect, monday 9 am will be our weekly appointment then. how about you tell me about 3 colleges you find even the slightest bit interesting, for next week, m’kay? that’ll be good” 

stan nods and grumbles a “sure” before getting up and leaving mackey’s office. 

-

stan’s day follows through as usual. he’s bored and draws a picture in his notebook of kenny in anime style. he sneakily takes a picture and sends it to kenny under his desk. his teacher calls him out and stan mumbles an apology. that’s about the most exciting thing that happens that day, and he’s exhausted when he comes home. he doesn’t really understand why he’s so tired, because he didn’t really do anything. he couldn’t pay attention to anything, his mind wandering. 

over dinner, his mom and dad fight over something. stan doesn’t feel like listening to the crap that comes out of his dad’s mouth so he tunes himself out, eats his dinner without saying anything. his dad is drunk, and he knows it. he wants so badly to not pay attention to him but it’s really fucking hard. his dad’s hands shake and he knocks over a glass, getting his mom even angrier with him. red wine stains the table cloth and stan looks at it spreading out, slowly. 

he goes upstairs as quickly as possible. he spends the rest of the evening on his bed, playing video games. he texts kyle a few times to ask him what he’s doing, but kyle doesn’t respond. he’s probably studying for the sats, which is what stan should probably be doing too. when his boredom gets to him, he calls kyle. he picks up after two rings. 

“stan” his exasperated voice answers on the other line. he sounds as if he’s been running a marathon. 

“kyle” stan answers him with the same energy. kyle laughs at that, light and easy again. 

“what’s going on dude?” he asks and stan doesn’t really know what to say, suddenly not really remembering why he called kyle. he probably thinks stan needs him for something. 

“nothing really” stan replies dryly, then “how’s the studying?” 

“ha- how’d you know? it’s going fine, just struggling on a few problems for ap calculus”

stan hums in response, then says nothing. 

“dude, stan, are you okay?” kyle sounds far away on the phone. 

“yeah- i just- i don’t know” stan says, “i just wanted to talk to you i guess”. 

kyle doesn’t really know how far stan’s fucked-upness extends. not yet. stan knows he’ll find out eventually. for now, he doesn’t want to tell him that living in this house makes him feel like dying, that he doesn’t have motivation to do anything to make his life worth something, how he just wants to lie in bed, and how thinking of these things make him feel like really, only talking to kyle would help. he doesn’t really know how that works, and why it does. he doesn’t really want to find that out either. 

“ah- okay” kyle replies, “do you wanna study together? maybe?”.

stan is caught off guard by that.   


“right now?”

“i mean- maybe tomorrow?”

“uh- yeah sure. yeah, let’s do it” 

stan bites down on his bottom lip hard. kyle is proposing this because he’s worried about stan too, just like the teachers. it stings a little bit, that everyone feels this way about him. stan can’t see it himself, doesn’t understand why everyone cares so much what he does with his life. on the other hand, he thinks studying might be a lot easier with kyle there to help him. or maybe a lot harder. in the past, it’s proven to work quite well for stan, and he’d always gotten better grades if he’d studied for a test with kyle. 

“okay” kyle says, seemingly to himself. 

“thanks dude. it’ll help” stan says, because he feels like he needs to express some sort of gratitude. 

“i know- i hope so. i’m gonna hang you up now”

“bye nerd”

stan holds his phone close to his ear, hearing kyle laugh through the line. 

“bye idiot. sweet dreams” and he hangs up. 

stan lazes around for a little bit more, but pretty soon he feels himself falling asleep. 

when it comes, it’s a heavy, deep sleep.  that night, stan dreams about kyle. 

he dreams about the party at token's house, how he'd felt kyle so close and how he'd looked in the colored lights. in the dream, kenny drags stan up from the couch to dance with him. stan gets up but grabs at kyle's wrist, sudden bravery coming over him. "come dance with us?" stan asks, and kyle looks at him with big eyes. then he gets up, wordlessly, and follows stan closely. they move to the pumping music and stan looks at kyle the entire time, and sometimes kyle holds his gaze, and stan can't take his eyes off of him. kyle looks good, swaying and moving. suddenly, he pulls stan closer, puts stan's hands on his waist. he puts his face close to stan's ear and whispers "you wanted to touch, right?". stan can’t say anything, speechless even in the dream. “i could tell” kyle says, and he puts his head down on stan’s shoulder, breaths fanning over his shoulder. kyle is close and pressed up against him. he feels warm, and stan feels so good. "kyle-" he starts to say but kyle cuts him off. "what do you want stan?" he asks, voice poignant and almost angry. stan reaches out to touch his face, as if to say ‘you, i want you’, but kyle is suddenly gone, and it’s wendy who’s in front of him. "what do you want stan?" she asks, repeating kyle's question. stan can’t speak, can’t breathe, and he wakes up in the dark of his room.

-

stan spends most of the afternoons of his week in kyle’s room, studying. it proves more difficult this time around, for stan to focus. he keeps getting distracted by a curl that keeps hanging in front of kyle’s eye. he thinks he should probably fix it, pull it back, but then he figures that’s kind of weird. they study for hours on hours and stan thinks he’s actually absorbed some stuff. his first final is coming up very soon and he’s really not pumped to take it. 

kyle’s focus is immaculate. he works for hours on end, without a break, and stan is amazed by him and his capabilities. he watching him, sometimes for too long, but kyle won’t notice, and stan figures it’s okay as long as he doesn’t. kyle’s brows pull together when he can’t immediately solve something, and he sticks his pen between his lips when he’s thinking really hard. stan feels a bit dizzy. 

he tries to distract kyle sometimes, because he falls bored and wants to see how he can push the other’s buttons. kyle doesn’t really budge, and that’s disappointing to stan because he likes seeing kyle get all annoyed and wound up. one time he keeps drawing on the side of kyle’s notebook, and that distracts him alright. stan draws a bunch of dicks first, and then a pretty cute picture of kyle in the same anime style he drew kenny in before. kyle blinks at the drawing for a while. 

“stan, you’re the worst” he states matter-of-factly, but he’s holding back a smile. stan keeps drawing, and eventually kyle launches at him. “stop it, you idiot!” he screams, as he grabs for the pen, and stan ducks out of the way. “never!” he replies, and he tries to crawl away on kyle’s carpeted floor. kyle grabs onto his leg and then his waist, and pushes him over. he then sits on stan, hair falling in his face as he takes the pen. 

“you’re terrible” kyle says, still very much on stan. 

stan holds his breath, because why is kyle sitting on him such a big deal all of a sudden? 

“yeah- and you’re such a good little boy- why are you friends with me?” stan says, jokingly. kyle swallows and says nothing for a little bit. 

“honestly- i don’t really know either i think it’s-” 

“hey! why are you picking a fight with me man?” stan says, laughing. 

kyle laughs too, and then gets off of stan, getting up to sit at his desk again. 

“let’s get back to studying. and not just me. you too, idiot” 

stan feels light inside. 

-

on stan’s 18th birthday, all his friends pile up in his living room for a small get together. stan has never really thrown a birthday party, he prefers just to hang out with his closest friends. his mom and dad are out for the night, having dinner at some new place in town. stan really hopes his dad doesn’t come back drunk. he doesn’t feel like getting embarrassed in front of everyone. 

the room is dimmed, the lights off. kenny put on a playlist, light and easy. stan feels good, slightly buzzed by red wine and rum and coke, an unfortunate mix. kyle is next to him, as is wendy, who has her head on stan’s shoulder. she’s talking to bebe about something for the student committee, which they are both part of. kenny and craig are across from them, splayed across the couch, arguing about something. butters is on the floor, and kenny’s hand sits on top of his head, carding through his hair. stan doesn’t really know what’s going on there. tweek is talking to clyde and jimmy, and token is talking to kyle. looks around to all his friends and sighs with lazy happiness. it’s good, having them all here. 

wendy pokes him, and says, close to his ear, “let’s go outside for a little bit”.

outside, it’s cold, and stan thinks he probably should have put on a jacket. his skin stands up with the breeze, and he shivers. 

wendy looks at him through her eyelashes and kisses him. it’s soft and sweet and she’s holding stan’s wrists like kyle does so often. she pushes him back against the wall. they’re not in view of anyone, but stan still feels like he’s being watched. he takes wendy’s face in his hands and pulls her closer, as if to hide. 

she pulls back and looks at him, out of breath, lips shiny and red. 

“stan, you’re 18 now” she says and stan smiles, slightly. 

“yeah- it’s weird” he replies, and wendy moves her hands to rest on his hips. 

“you’re getting old” she giggles, and he playfully pulls a lock of her hair, “hey!” 

wendy is quiet then, and looks at him with her glass eyes. stan thinks she looks unreal, like she’s from a dream. 

“how about i stay over here tonight? i told my parents i’d sleep at bebe’s place” she says, almost a whisper. 

stan breathes in. 

“uh- i would- i would like that a lot but-” he starts, not knowing how to put into words what he’s about to say, because he’s slightly ashamed. because he already told kyle he could stay over, even though he knew wendy would probably offer. 

wendy stops him. “right- kyle is staying over, isn’t he?” 

stan wants to deny this, even though it’s true. 

“i mean- his mom doesn’t want him to come home late. she doesn’t like him going to parties- she’s pretty strict like that so-” 

“stan, just stop- this is ridiculous” wendy says, voice dismissive. suddenly she’s far away from him, stepping back like touching him burns her. 

“wendy- i’m sorry” stan pleads.

“you would rather have your best friend stay over than your girlfriend. do you know how fucked up that is stan? i don’t think you realize, i think you think this is perfectly normal. stan- i haven’t slept at your house once since school started again! you’re fucking lying to yourself, you know that right?” wendy breaks, eyes filling up with tears as she speaks quickly. she doesn’t scream at stan, and somehow that makes it worse. 

he can’t speak, doesn’t know how to justify himself. 

“jesus christ- stan, i think you’re with the wrong person. i think kyle should be your boyfriend since you love to be with him so much” 

she walks away, through the glass sliding doors and out of the house. stan can’t see her leave but he knows she did. he looks down at his hands as they shake. someone is in front of him then, and he thinks maybe wendy came back, to scream at him and curse him out because she should have, she should. but it’s kyle. 

“stan- dude, come inside. it’s cold as hell” he says, his breath making little clouds. 

“yeah, alright” stan just says, and he lets himself get dragged along.

everyone pretends nothing happened. stan thinks that, for the sake of his birthday, they keep talking and laughing like everything’s okay. bebe left too, he notices, and when he opens his phone he has a text message from her. 

_dickhead!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

he opens it but doesn’t respond, then tucks his phone away. 

when he falls asleep next to kyle that night, he doesn’t cry like he normally would when wendy breaks up with him. he reaches out in the dark, to touch kyle’s knee. kyle stirs in his sleep, but doesn’t wake, and stan breathes in. he thinks he should probably feel guilty, then hates himself because he doesn’t, not at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading yet again >,O leave a comment south park besties

**Author's Note:**

> cewl. let me know what u think. also this might get sad(der) if i continue. all the love kiddos.


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